Tips and Recommended Reading When Adopting an Older Child

Older Child Adoption  - What to Think About, Tips for Successful Transition

by Susan Serrano as reported in Adoptive Families Magazine.

As more infants and toddlers are united with adoptive families within their birth countries, an increasing number of older children have become available for international adoption in recent years.  “I think older children have always been there, but there is a growing awareness that there are families interested in adopting them,” said Denise Schoborg, director of Dillon International’s China adoption program. “The
need for families is very real, but prospective parents need to do some soul-searching to determine if they are ready to parent an older international adoptee.”

The realistic expectations, research and education, that are key to any successful adoption experience, become even more vital when considering the adoption of an older child, who may have some additional struggles adjusting to life with their adoptive family.  “Kids that come from institutional settings are survivors. It may take some time for the child to learn what their role is in a healthy family and develop interpersonal skills in their new environment,” explained Debbie Wynne, director of Dillon International’s Texas office and Buckner Adoption and Maternity Services. “A child may be biologically a 7-year-old, but that does not mean that they have had seven years of nurturing by loving parents. They may even have been in a situation where they had to act as a parent.” 

“It is important for parents to realize that while they may be dealing with a 7-year-old that has the street smarts of a 14-year-old, that same child could also have the attachment needs of an infant. You have to be prepared to parent where that child is developmentally in the moment,” Schoborg added.

Patience is critical as the child attaches to the adoptive family and learns how to be nurtured. “The child may take their disappointments out on their family, but parents need to recognize that the child is acting out of a sense of grief and loss and to steadfastly offer unconditional love in return. They should not take those attacks personally,” Wynne said.

Families preparing to adopt an older child can pave the way for smoother transitions with plenty of advance education that focuses on the needs of older adoptees. It is also crucial for families to surround themselves with a support network that includes adoption professionals and adoptive families, Schoborg recommended.

Securing the services of a translator and locating other language resources prior to the child’s arrival will also go a long way toward building attachment and establishing relationships, Wynne added.

Although the adoption of an older child does come with some unique challenges, it offers advantages as well, Wynne points out. “With an older child, there is an opportunity to really ‘see’ them,” she explained. “You can know their health and how they respond in social and educational environments. With an infant or toddler, you really haven’t seen the person that they will grow into being.”

“There are children who desire so much to be in a family,” Wynne said. “The families that do well adopting older children are resourceful and committed to helping their child heal from the traumas of the past. It is exciting to see families that have chosen this path do extremely well. There are families for every
kind of child.”

Recommended Reading:
• Raising Adopted Children by Lois Melina
• Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray
• Nurturing Adoptions by Deborah Gray
• The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, Ph.D.
• Adopting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck, Ph.D.
• Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck, Ph.D.
• With Eyes Wide Open by Margi Miller, MA, & Nancy Ward, MA, LISCW
• Toddler Adoption by Mary Hopkins Best, Ed.D.
• Parenting Your Older Adopted Child by Brenda McCreight, Ph.D., RSW
• Our Own - Adopting and Parenting the Older Child by Trish Maskew
• Adopted Teens Only: A Survival Guide to Adolescence by Danea Gorbett
• Beneath the Mask by Debbie Riley, MS
• Parenting Adopted Adolescents:  Understanding and Appreciating Their Journeys by Gregory C. Keck, Ph.D.
Susan Serrano is director of media relations for Dillon International, Inc. Founded in 1972, Dillon International is a licensed, nonprofit adoption and humanitarian aid agency that is affiliated with Dallas-based Buckner International. Headquartered in Tulsa, Okla.—with branch locations in Tustin, Calif. (in Orange County); the Dallas-Fort Worth, Texas area; the Kansas City, Kansas area; St. Louis, Mo.; Little Rock and Fayetteville, Ark; and Richmond, Ind.—Dillon International is Hague Accredited through the Council on
Accreditation to process international adoptions pursuant to the Intercountry Adoption
Act of 2000.

Mr. Rogers and His Episodes on Adoption

The following is a post from an Adoptive Families Magazine blog that's helpful for those with preschoolers looking for resources to help them discuss adoption:

I have been a fan of Mister Rogers since I was a toddler myself. I am now introducing my children (2.5 years and 17 months) to Mister Rogers and they love him too. I really feel that his show is one of the best children’s programs in the history of television!

Which is why I was so thrilled to discover that Fred Rogers did some episodes on adoption. (Did anyone else know he had an adopted sister?) I ordered them off Amazon and watched them as soon as they arrived. They do not disappoint! I’m always looking at ways to introduce the theme of adoption into our lives so that our children grow up knowing they can talk about it. What I love about the Mister Rogers episodes is that it introduces the topic in his unique, gentle way and he talks about all the feelings that can result from adoption—including the fact that it is ok for adopted children to sometimes feel sad or angry or sacred because they are adopted.

The adoption episodes originally aired in the mid-80’s during a week-long theme entitled “Families Come in Different Sizes and Shapes.” The entire series include episodes #1551-1555. They can be ordered off Amazon as part of the recordable DVD program, meaning that the episodes are saved to DVD’s and shipped only as the orders come in.

There is also a well-known book entitled “Adoption: Let’s Talk about It” that was originally released about the same. I’m looking forward to that arriving soon!

I recommend these DVD’s to other adoptive parents looking at ways to introduce the concept of adoption to their toddler/preschool-aged child.

You can order the DVD's here.

Post Adoption Parenting Resources

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families provides an abundance of resources for parents to help them with post-adoption issues.

"Adoption is a lifelong process. Families often need additional support at various times after placement and after the adoption is legally finalized. Families may need services as a child develops and as normal development, adjustment, and adoption-related issues arise. In this section find resources for adoptive families that explain what to expect at various developmental stages. Also, learn how to talk about adoption, address adoption issues in school, help children with grief and loss, recognize and get help for postadoption depression, find needed services, and obtain financial assistance."